Uncertainty

If someone loves you with everything they have, no matter how flawed you are. No matter how damaged, no matter how depressing your presence, no matter how much baggage you carry around, no matter how you haven’t been able to hold your end of the bargain… loves you so unconditionally… no matter how poorly you treat them, because of your own pain… emotional and physical… no matter how you think you two aren’t a good match, that he doesn’t have enough passion for life, not able to have intelligent conversation, doesn’t challenge you.. not to mention, you two don’t have chemistry, your husband has no backbone, can’t stand up for you, lets other people verbally assault you, your parenting styles are very different, you can’t stand the idea of him touching you… but if someone would do anything, absolutely anything for you… are you selfish for wanting something more, to find your voice, to finally blossom into your own, that you’ve been afraid to do all your life?

Week ago or so, I had a dream about fog, driving into very thick dense fog. Here’s the dream interpretation:

Fog

To dream that you are going through a thick fog symbolizes confusion, troubles, scandal, uncertainty and worries. You may not be seeing things the way they really are. You may have lost your sense of direction in life. Alternatively, a fog represents mystery, secrecy and protection.

There was another dream this morning (and there have been others in the recent weeks, just forgotten them)… my lil one was wearing a backpack, he wandered away, I saw him walking in the city, crossing a busy street, I’m yelling his name & next thing I know, I can’t find him… I lost him in the city… the lil 7 year old boy alone in the big city… at some point I was running down a hill looking for him, slipped,  rolled down… woke up…

Some of you know, I’m in the final inches of my separation agreement becoming a reality. We’ve been forced to live together throughout the process. It’s been very draining, painful & … well I don’t even have words strong enough to describe how it’s been. Some, in fact, many things have happened, that have made me question if I should go forward with this. It kills me, to have been going through separation for 2 years, and have doubts at the final stages. When I was first diagnosed with RA back in March of 2011, I thought to myself… I won’t be able to work, my dreams of having a business of some kind, died… along with dreams of working hard & making something of myself… I felt like some forces had punched me in the gut, kicked me in the head, mugged me, robbed me of life I once dreamed of… how do I go on now, on my own? Going from completely safe & secure, to self supporting unknown. I’ve been overwhelmed with anxiety, panic attacks and out of this world stress.  Having people around me who doubt my ability to make it on my own, hurts. It also keeps feeling like a kick in the ribs. I don’t know if I’m able to make it in NY on my own. I’m a country girl from Finland, who never really found her thing. Who never really figured out, what her purpose in this world is.

My fear is, I will end up damaging my lil one, because I’m selfish. That he will be collateral damage to my need to find me & be the best that I can be.  This post is a little all over the place, I had to just write my thoughts down… to ease the pain. Thanks for reading my ramblings.